How Barney Stinson Met Sterling Archer
by Andrew V. Smith
Summary: Barney Stinson has a chance encounter with a dark-haired CIA agent... set in Season 2 of HIMYM, and Season 6 of Archer. Rated T for language. One-shot, probably.


"So, you're a secret agent?"

"Yes," he said, grinning at the large-chested blonde.

"And you work for the CIA?"

"Yep. It's dangerous work," he told her.

"Wow," she breathed. He got closer to her.

"Stinson," he said. "Barney Stinson."

Back at the booth, Ted, Marshall, and Robin watched.

"Dude, it's never gonna work," Marshall muttered.

"Hell, it's Barney. Anything's possible for him." Robin said.

"Wait-" Ted shushed them. "I think they're leaving!"

"No way…" Marshall said.

Sure enough, she was gathering up her things, and Barney winked at them. They both got to the door, when she turned back for a second.

"Hold on- I just left my phone at the bar!"

"Be sure you're not followed," Barney remarked, seductively. She smiled, and went back to her stool. Standing there was a black-haired fellow in a gray suit. He had piercing blue eyes, and he was quite taller than her. He held her phone in one hand, and a drink in the other.

"Oh, hi, I'm Sterling Archer."

"That's my phone."

"I know, I work for the CIA."

"You too?!"

"Yeah. I'm kind of the world's greatest spy."

"Wow! Is it dangerous?"

"Oh yeah. I've nearly died like a hundred times."

"You would not believe! There's a guy I'm heading out with right now who says he's from the CIA too!"

"Hold on, what?" Archer frowned, and then heard a searing noise in his ear.

"Archer! Are you focusing on the mission?"

"Yeah! Geez, I'm in position, God!" He muttered into his earpiece.

"Anyways," he continued. "That guy is probably Yakuza, and he's going to sell you into sexual slavery for a bunch of drift racers."

"Really?" She asked, glancing back at Barney. He nodded.

"I'll have to take him out. I'm on a mission right now."

She nodded, biting her lip.

The three of them watched, stunned.

"Hey guys, do you think he's serious?" Asked Marshall.

"Naw. I mean, he's not really a spy, is he?" Ted insisted.

Outside, they heard Barney's high-pitched scream, as well as yelling and cursing.

"God damn it! This is a $1400 dollar Italian silk! You asshole!"

They all ran outside, to find Barney on the ground, holding a clump of cloth from the sleeve of the black-haired guy's suit.

"You attacked me, good sir. That suit forfeited its life the moment you made an aggression. Although, it was a nice suit, man."

"Oh, thanks bro. I'm Sterling Archer. I'm guessing you're not Yakuza."

"Why the hell would you think that?"

"The girl at the bar. She said that you claimed to be CIA."

"Oh, Yeah. That's me. I'm an agent."

The others rolled their eyes.

"Damn, no wonder Slater is so desperate. Anyways, I guess you don't owe me for the suit."

"Guess not. Anyways, I've got a nice woman inside to take care of."

"Oh, the blonde? Uh, she's actually a Russian agent. Probably KGB."

Barney lifted an eyebrow skeptically.

"Really? How would you know?"

"Barney, let it go," Ted said, more to the rest of them, than to Barney.

"I'm CIA, idiot! Fellow agent here!"

"Yeah, right. How do I know you're not some random con-man looking to take advantage of some poor woman?"

"Uh, my badge!"

He took out an ID, and showed his face to the four of them. All of them were shocked.

"Wow." Ted said. He spoke for all of them.

Just then, Lily came down, and joined them.

"Hey guys," she said, but they shushed her.

"This guy is an actual CIA agent, and he thinks Barney is one," Marshall quickly explained. Lily's eyes widened.

"Just watch," Robin said. Meanwhile, Barney was trying to think of what to say next.

"Okay, then." He said. He looked back at his friends, who were still avidly watching. They smiled at him, and he gulped.

"Is she _really_ KGB?"

"Uh Yeah," Archer replied. "I've been following her this whole time. You'll want me to take care of this."

"I guess so," Barney said, slowly. Ted and Marshall had to stifle a laugh.

"See you, then." The black-haired agent walked back inside the bar. Barney turned back to his friends.

"So. Wanna just... grab a beer upstairs?"

"Dude!" Ted exclaimed. "That guy owned you!"

"Yeah, I can't believe he was CIA!" Marshall said.

"Haha, yes. Crazy, right? Get inside." Barney said to him, exasperated.

"Oh wait," Ted replied. He searched his mind for a witty reply.

"Don't you mean, get in _spy?_ Eh?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Come on, Ted. 'Get inspy!' Jeez," Barney said, smirking as he opened the door to the building.

Meanwhile, Archer returned to the blonde at the bar, who was still waiting.

"Is it safe now? Sterling?"

"Oh yeah. I took care of it."

"Good, because I was waiting _forever!_ "

"I know. So, my place or yours?"

The voice in his ear buzzed again.

" _Archer!"_

"God! I mean, like, after my mission is over."

She got close up to him. She put her finger on his lips, biting her lip. He was instantly turned on.

"Archer?"

"What?"

"I think it already is over..." she kissed him full on, overwhelming him. Then she stuck a syringe into his abdomen.

"What the fu-"

He dropped like a stone, unconscious.

"Threat neutralized," the blonde said into her earpiece.

Meanwhile, Archer's earpiece buzzed into an unreceptive ear.

" _Archer? Archer!"_

Outside, behind the bar, Lana Kane threw the earpiece to the ground, and stomped on it.

"Shit, not Again," she said. She raced inside, to see several large burly men bearing away Archer's prone body, to the shock of all the patrons. Too many to take down.

"Ray? We've got a code 99."

Ray was positioned outside in the car, holding an automatic rifle.

"God damn it Archer," he muttered. "Way to mess up the simplest mission Slater's given us so far!"

He got out of the car, and raced down the street, to see Archer quickly being loaded into a van, which promptly drove off.

"Aw, sheeeet."

Upstairs, the five of them were kicking back. To them, it was a pretty regular Saturday night. Ted and Robin were dating, and Marshall and Lily were back together. Things were going pretty good.

"I mean, that badge could've been faked," Robin said.

"True. And what if that girl was trying to recruit Barney to the KGB?" Ted asked.

"And what if Barney really _is_ Yakuza?!" Lily accused. Barney raised an eyebrow.

"You know, that would explain a lot," Marshall remarked. "Your affinity for the Japanese, that ninja sword you have..."

"Please, Marshall. It's a katana. Used by the ancient samurai. I'm not Yakuza, I'm just awesome. And come to think of it, that girl _did_ have a Russian accent. Huh."

"Well anyways, how was your day, Lilypad?" Marshall asked.

"Pretty good. I'm stressed out from all the plans for the wedding. I couldn't take my mind off it. I actually asked my class for ideas."

"What did they say?" Robin asked.

"Well, Marshall, what would you think if I wore a dress made out of rainbows, kittens, and skittles?"

Marshall grinned.

"You'd look beautiful no matter what you wear, Lil."

"As long as I can eat the skittles," Ted chimed in.

"Thanks!" She seemed rather relieved. She walked into their room, and Marshall turned to follow.

"I think we'll turn in early tonight. See you guys in the morning?"

Barney cringed.

" _Couples!"_ He muttered. Ted, Robin, and Barney were on their own.

"I think we ought to turn in as well. Good night Barney."

He sighed.

"Might as well. Have to be at work early anyways."

"That's very understanding of you."

"I'm always up early for work, Ted. It's a real job to stay this awesome."

"Sure. See you, Barney."

With that, Ted and Robin retired, watching him as he left.

Down in the street below, Barney was moping a bit. But hell, the night was young, and there were plenty of other bars. Could still probably hit up another chick. And with that black-haired guy gone...

He pressed a button for a crosswalk, and waited for the stick figure to appear. Crossing the street, a large van barreled straight towards him, and he leapt out of the way.

"Jesus Christ!" He cried out. He patted himself down to make sure he was uninjured, and that his suit wasn't smudged. He started chasing after the van, to give the driver a piece of his mind. He followed behind as they pulled up to a desolate warehouse. Barney grew hesitant. This was looking rather sketchy. He stayed back in the shadows, and watched as they opened the back of the truck, and pulled a guy out.

"The CIA agent?" Barney whispered to himself. That girl must've really been KGB!

Inside, Archer awoke to a splash of water to his face. He was tied to a chair, and 5 men stood around him.

"Really?" He demanded. "Isn't my suit damaged enough?!"

"So. This is the CIA dog." Said one.

"Duchess, I presume?" Said another, likely the leader.

"Oh god, how do I still have that nickname?"

"We need to know the name of your superior."

"Uh, Fidel Castro."

That earned him a backhand across the face.

"Enough games, Duchess. Get the car battery."

They did so. Archer stared at the alligator clips, crackling with electricity, and sighed.

"This _again?_ "

Just then, they were interrupted by a newcomer, racing and ducking around the warehouse, making a racket.

"What in the hell?" They tried to train their guns on the guy, but he was moving too fast. Archer took the opportunity to knock his chair over, and grab a chink of metal from the floor. Quickly sawing through his ropes, he started knocking out the thugs around him, and tossed a weapon to the guy who was running around screaming.

With a shock, he realized it was the blonde guy who claimed to be CIA!

"Cover me!" He shouted.

Barney's eyes were wild. "I got this." He was the best at laser tag, and this was no different. Of course, he was actually injuring human beings, but it wasn't like he was about to kill anyone. He got a couple in the knee, while Archer flipped them over, knocked their heads together, and rearranged their teeth. Eventually, when their leader was running, Barney shot him in the calf, sending him to the floor.

"Damn, that was lucky," Archer remarked.

"I have very good aim. No one runs from the Stinson," he declared.

"How did you know I was here?"

"I saw the truck you were in stop here after it nearly killed me. When I saw you in it, I had to do something."

"Well, thanks. I do mean that. We make a good time."

They smiled.

"Yes, we do!" Barney said. "Although, you do know I'm not really CI-"

"Totally."

And that was how they met.


End file.
